All my heart, Chakotay.
by LadyChakotay
Summary: Chakotay writes his thoughts after the events in Shattered. Perhaps Kathryn happens to find this letter...


_CATEGORY:Voyager J/C_

_RATING:PG-13_

_AUTHOR:LadyChakotay_

_DISCLAIMER:Paramount owns them, obviously.If I did, these two would've hit the sheets seasons ago!No infringement intended._

_SUMMARY:Chakotay writes his feelings about the events that took place in Shattered.Perhaps Kathryn stumbles across his letter…High sap alert.(I warned you!)_

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_This story is dedicated to my sister, Debbie, who left this life over 14 years ago.This little ditty was written on February 10, 2001 – the day that would've been her 35th birthday.I think she would've supported my passion for writing, and I like to think that she's smiling about it now, wherever she is.Perhaps she is the stars.That would explain why I am so drawn to them.This is for you, sis._

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_All my heart, Chakotay._

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_Kathryn,_

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_"Just how close do we get?"_

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_It was a simple question.One you asked from your heart.You stood there looking up at me.Yes, it was the Kathryn Janeway of seven years ago.The Kathryn Janeway who was, at that point, unscarred by the Delta Quadrant.Unchanged by the things we've all learned and endured here.Yet it was you, without question.Even then you possessed the same fiery, stubborn determination that you do now.I saw it in your face when you watched Tuvok die, and you wanted to reset the clock to change the outcome.I saw it in your eyes when Seska held you by the throat and you told me not to give in to her, to do what I had to do even if she killed you.I saw the same defiance burning in your eyes as I saw the day you stared down the Borg Queen on the view screen – almost daring her to try and stop you.Part of me knows that you would've been disappointed if she hadn't tried to keep you from aiding the drones in Unimatrix Zero.Just like you would've been disappointed if Seska hadn't presented a challenge.It is who you are.It is why you are such an amazing Captain._

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_But that Kathryn Janeway was as different as she was the same.She was a little younger, a little more exuberant.She wasn't new to command, but she was new to Voyager.Her blue eyes still danced with Starfleet passion, as if there was nowhere else in the universe she would rather be than commanding that ship.She had yet to see the things my Kathryn has seen.She had no way of knowing she would watch trusted crewmembers betray her, watch her own death over and over again at the hands of a cruel alien life form.She didn't know she would watch helplessly as her dear friend lost corporeal form and left her life forever.Dear, elfin Kes.How you adored her.That Kathryn didn't know that she would one day go on a vicious witch hunt for a man who wore the same uniform she did, and betrayed every vow he ever took as a Starfleet Captain.You lost much of your youth that day, Kathryn.The day you watched his ship explode as he sacrificed his life to move it away from Voyager before the core breeched.You picked up Voyager's commission plaque, dusting it off with your sleeve.And I saw it in your face.I watched as part of you that was joyous and innocent faded away.Another casualty of this godforsaken quadrant._

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_But the Kathryn Janeway that looked at me today in engineering was untouched by the Delta Quadrant.And she sensed the chemistry between us, noticed the way she trusted me almost immediately yet could not explain why.We worked together to restore the ship to the proper timeline – this timeline.And now she is gone.Yet she is here, deep within you._

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_"Just how close do we get?"_

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_I keep hearing that over and over again in my mind. Was that fear in your blue eyes as you stared at me, waiting for an answer?Or perhaps it was anticipation.I'm not sure.But the question, the words tumbling off your red lips, haunts me still.How do I articulate our differing levels of closeness to you, the you that has yet to experience any of it?So I said the only answer that came to my spiraling mind.The one I wish were not true._

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_"Let's just say there are some barriers … we never cross."_

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_Damn it!How I hated the sound of that even as the words left my tongue.You see, when I said it, I didn't mean just sexual barriers.I didn't just mean that we had never been lovers.I was speaking of emotional barriers too.You know the ones I mean?The ones you throw up in front of me anytime you start to think you might be letting me into your heart.I don't think you even mean to do it most of the time anymore.You've been doing it for so long – it's become second nature.You start to let me in, needing companionship as we humans do, and then… Red Alert!The shields go up and I'm standing there with my heart in my hands.You'd think I'd be used to it by now.Used to the way it makes my throat ache like a huge fist just slammed into the back of it.The way it makes my chest feel like it's caving in, like a shuttle flew straight through it.But I'm not used to it.It gets me every time.You get me every time._

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_I watched your face as I said those words.What was that emotion I saw flash through your eyes?Was it regret, maybe?Was I seeing things, or were you sorry to hear that we didn't cross those barriers and share a life together?_

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_I wanted to lie to you, Kathryn.I wanted to take you into my arms and tell you that in the future, you love me as much as I love you.I wanted to kiss you, to know the taste of your lips just once.I wanted to tell you about the weeks we would spend alone on New Earth, and how much you would love soaking in your bathtub.I wanted to tell you of the dinners we would share in your quarters, the way your eyes would light up when I would tease you about your cooking.There were so many images that flashed through my mind in that brief moment before I answered you.And then, in almost the same instant, I realized that you were no longer the same person.The Kathryn who asked me that question was so different from the Kathryn I shared cider with only a couple of hours ago, even though she was very much the same.The pain of that realization was crushing – so I said the only truth I could muster._

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_"Let's just say there are some barriers … we never cross."_

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_I wonder if that will always be so.I keep hoping that one day you will realize that you're allowed to feel and to love.That being the Captain doesn't change the fact that you're also a human being.You're also Kathryn.Odd how they sound so much alike; Captain and Kathryn.As if you were born for this rank.And I believe you were._

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_Over the years we've spent in this quadrant, I've seen more and more of the Captain, and precious little of Kathryn.That is, until our dinner tonight.You were so beautiful, lounging on the sofa and sipping on your glass of cider.You looked at me with your warp core blue eyes, and they danced in the candle light just the way I remembered.You flashed me that crooked grin, the one that makes it hard for me to breathe, and made a cryptic remark about the Temporal Prime Directive.Very Kathryn.It was so wonderful to see you again._

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_Dare I hope that you still hold feelings for me in your heart?Am I crazy to think that maybe I saw some forbidden passion smoldering in your smokey eyes?I wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you that I love you with an intensity I could never have imagined.Would you have turned away?Asked me to leave?Shouted at me about protocols and parameters?Or would you have relaxed into my embrace, molded your body to mine, and told me that you love me as well?I guess I'll always wonder._

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_I will always love you, Kathryn.Despite myself.Maybe someday I'll tell you.Maybe someday you'll be ready to hear it._

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_All my heart,_

_Chakotay_

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_Kathryn wiped the tears from her cheeks.She hadn't even realized she was crying until she saw a tear strike the paper and roll across Chakotay's words, the blue ink swirling in the wetness._

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_"Oh, Kathryn.You fool." She chided herself."How could I have been so blind?"Chakotay – he was her other half as no other had ever been.Yet, she constantly pushed him away, and she knew it.She had deluded herself into believing that his feelings for her had faded with time, that he wasn't hurting anymore.The fact that he had felt strongly enough to put pen to paper was a testament in itself to the depth of his feelings.This antiquated form of communication was far more personal and intimate than using a PADD.Even though she knew the letter was never meant to reach her, written only to vent his emotions and clear his mind, it touched her deeply._

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_She had never stopped loving him.Oh, she'd tried with everything inside her to put her feelings aside.But they were always with her.Longing was her constant companion.Every time he touched her arm, every time he flashed her those dimples, and every time he said her name.He spoke it almost reverently.No one had ever said it with the same intensity and passion as Chakotay did.She had wondered many, many times what it would be like to hear him utter her name in the throes of passion.She felt herself shiver just thinking about it._

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_The question remained, what should she do now?Should she put the letter back on the table and leave before he discovered her in his quarters?Try to pretend she never read his words that still echoed in her heart?Or should she admit that she violated his privacy, tell him she loved him, and hope he'd forgive her transgression?_

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_It was at that moment that she heard the doors hiss closed.Too late.She stood there, staring at her first officer, the letter still clutched to her chest._

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_Chakotay stared at her, his eyes wide with surprise."Kathryn!What are you doing here?"_

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_Before she could utter an answer, his eyes fixed on the paper she held against her heart.Kathryn could've sworn she watched the color drain from his tattooed face as confusion gave way to comprehension.And then comprehension made room for humiliation.He sat down on the sofa, immediately dropping his head in his hands."I never meant for you to see that."_

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_"Chakotay, I'm sorry."_

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_"What are you doing in my quarters, Captain?"He asked without lifting his head._

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_Uh Oh.He called her by her rank.Not a good sign."I just came here to get the PADDs I left the other day.I needed to finish these crew evaluations.I rang the chime, and when you didn't answer, I used my override code and let myself in.I'm sorry, Chakotay."_

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_"The PADDs are on my desk.Please take them and go."_

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_She felt awful.Things would be so awkward between them now.Part of her wanted get the hell out of there, but as she picked up the PADDS in preparation to go, she knew she couldn't leave it at this.She stopped directly in front of him and put her hand on his shoulder._

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_"I didn't intend to violate your privacy, Chakotay.I came in and looked on the table for the PADDs.My name at the top of this paper caught my attention, and before I even thought it through, I was reading it."_

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_"Well," he said, finally lifting his head to look at her.The humiliation in his dark eyes almost reduced her to tears."Now you've read it.You might as well keep it.Just take it with you and go, please."_

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_"I think we should talk about this."_

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_Chakotay looked into her eyes, as if trying to read her thoughts.Would she just reject him again?Probably.He stood and paced the room._

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_"Look, Captain.I…"_

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_"Kathryn." She corrected."This is a bit on the personal side, Chakotay.I think we can drop ranks here and have a conversation as two people, not two officers.Call me Kathryn."_

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_He nodded as he spoke."Fine.Look, Kathryn, I already know how you feel about getting involved with me while we're serving together on this ship.I don't think I can stand to hear about parameters and Starfleet protocols right now.I have the damn things committed to memory anyway."_

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_He was angry.That much was obvious.But she could also tell that underneath it all, he wanted to talk about this.He wanted resolution as much as she did._

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_"Okay." She said calmly."I suppose I deserved that one.Now can we talk, or would you prefer to take a few more shots at me first?I could stand with that apple on my head now."She followed her little verbal slap with a lop-sided grin and folded her arms across her chest.Humor usually lightened the mood when things became strained between them._

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_Some of the tension drained away as she watched a small smile spread across his full lips."I think a few more shots are in order.You did break into my quarters.Perhaps I should confine you to the brig." He teased._

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_"Go right ahead, Commander. I could use the rest."_

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_They locked eyes for a moment, neither certain where to go from this point.Finally Chakotay broke the silence._

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_"I had no intention of ever giving that letter to you, Kathryn.I wrote it to quiet my thoughts, not make you feel guilty for my emotions."_

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_She stared intently at him, moving a few steps closer to him without even realizing it."Why didn't you tell me you're still in love with me, Chakotay?"Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper._

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_He looked away again, staring at the stars on the other side of the viewport."Would it have made any difference?"_

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_"Maybe not."She walked over to him.He kept his back to her as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face to his muscular back."Maybe I had to see it written out on paper before I could realize…"_

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_He turned to face her, taking her small shoulders in his hands.Hope flashing in his chocolate eyes."Before you could realize what?What are you saying, Kathryn?"_

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_"I'm saying that a lot has happened since we… I mean since I established those ridiculous parameters.I blamed my resistance on protocol, but let's be honest here, Chakotay.I break protocols in this quadrant almost as often as I give orders."She placed her hands on his chest and looked deeply into his eyes."I used that as a safety net.My feelings for you scared me, terrified me.And so I hid behind my rank, hid from my feelings like some coward.I thought your love for me had faded over these last few years.And I hated myself for letting you go."_

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_Chakotay brought his large hand to her face, stroking her cheek tenderly."I never stopped loving you, Kathryn.Spirits help me, I wanted to.But I couldn't.I love you more with every passing day.I only want to show you how much."_

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_Tears rolled down Janeway's cheeks.But when she spoke, her voice, rich and thick like melted caramel, was unwavering."I love you too, Chakotay.And I have every intention of showing you how much."Her voice was seductive, her eyes smokey with desire. "I plan to show you exactly how much."_

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_Kathryn wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his face down to hers.Their lips brushed softly, almost shyly in their first kiss.Chakotay wrapped his captain in his embrace and deepened the kiss, his tongue pushing hungrily into her mouth.Five years of suppressed passion expressed in one sensual act, and Kathryn found that her knees would no longer hold her weight._

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_Chakotay scooped her up into his arms and moved toward the bedroom.He started intently into her eyes."Are you sure this is what you want?If we do this, I can't go back to the way it was before."_

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_Kathryn took his dark face in her hands."I never want to go back to the way it was, Chakotay.This is what I want.I'm very sure."_

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_He chuckled as he held her to him."Aye, Captain.But what will the crew think?"_

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_She laughed aloud and snuggled into his chest."The crew will think what they've been thinking all along.According to most of them, I've already been in your bed many times over.I see no reason to disappoint them."_

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_Chakotay put her down gently on the bed and began divesting her of her uniform.He shook his head and chuckled."If I'd known this was how you would react, I'd have delivered that damn letter to you personally."_

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_"Shhh…" she said, covering his mouth with her fingers."We have some lost time to make up for.You'll need the energy."_

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_Fini_

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_Authors Note:Okay, so it was pure fluff with little depth.So shoot me!I'm desperate for some J/C.See what Voyager's writers have forced me to become?It isn't my fault that I've resorted to writing fanfic that should contain a high glucose warning.I used to actually develop plots.Oh the horror!_

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